HUMOUR BOOKS
All my books are available on Amazon in Kindle and paperback format. If you follow the link below each title it will take you to the Kindle version of the book.
ENDEX
It’s over. Your clearance chit is all signed off. You’ve received your last train warrant, they’ve taken your ID card off you at the guard room, and you walk out through the gate for the last time, it’s EndEx.
It doesn’t matter how many years you served in the military it will always have a lasting effect on the way you live the rest of your life. Marine, soldier, sailor or airman, whichever you may be, there are some qualities and experiences that most, if not all veterans, share. There are 3 types of people, Civilian, Military and Veteran. Once you join the military, you can never go back to being a civilian again.
When you’ve left the military, you might think you are doing a great job trying to blend in to your civilian surroundings, but the signs are there, that you once served your country, sometimes without you even realising it. What you will realise is you’ll never be normal again.
ENDEX 2 UNCUT
Thirty plus years later looking back, I have to admit my time in the army was some of the best years of my life. It wasn’t because I liked it. There sure was nothing to like about losing comrades, missing loved ones. We liked it because we were young, hungry and full of life. We all were, we were a brotherhood. Choggie Burgers, Egg banjo’s, the first fag after a BFT, the smell of Swarfega, reveille, standing orders, Gas, Gas, Gas. Isn't it strange how a few words can trigger a flashback, right back to the days of Blanco and carbolic soap for some? Looking back, I get enormous satisfaction from pretty much all of it. Those memories will never fade. Only those who’ve served will understand.
ENDEX 3
After writing two books on the subject, I didn’t think I could write another ENDEX. But after much research, amazingly I have. The hardest thing I found was trying not to repeat myself… trying not to repeat myself! After all, I am getting on a bit now and the dementia is creeping in. I may be in my 60’s, but I still have the stamina, physical prowess and mental agility of a 59 year old.
In this book I’ve added a few of my distant memories of the cheap booze and the no money days as a Cold War Warrior. ‘BAOR’ British Army of the Rhine in the late 70’s and 80’s. All bound together with lots of the usual ENDEX moments.
BUMPERS & BEDBLOCKS
Bumpers & Bed blocks is a part true part fictional portrayal of army life in the mid 70’s.
Starting with a KAPE tour in the Midland, moving on to the daily routine of barracks life at Colchester Garrison as air portable Battalion. Then it’s off to Soltau, Germany for a six week holiday, I mean exercise.
Here are just a few subjects covered in the book; sick parade, PTI’s, RSM’s drill parades, out on the town, going on leave, army grub, Rheinsehlen Camp, Soltau, Wolfgang, yellow handbags, larkspur radio, tabbing and more tabbing, digging in, gas gas gas, SOXMIX, Hitler, Hamburg’s red light district, The Reeperbahn and on a serious note Bergen Belsen and lots, lot’s more. The book is also full of interesting facts you probably didn’t know.
YOU WOULDN'T BELIZE IT
This book is about things I witnessed and what happened to me during the 9 months I spent in Belize in the 1970’s. Like they say you can’t take them with you, but some of the stories I’m about to tell, you definitely can!
The main story may seem a bit far fetched, shocking, stupid, or too disgusting to have happened, I can assure you most of it did! Apart from a few urban myths, jokes and the odd exaggerated bullshit along the way, I think I’ve just about covered most things.
I believe we have to record our memories for future generations to look back on, either good, funny or bad. Here are mine and I hope I’ve dug up some of yours. I wonder what they’ll think in a 100 years’ time.
DRILL PIG AND PONGO
A collection of 70 cartoons. Drill Pig and Pongo is a collection of new and old army jokes, illustrated by Clive Ward. I hope you enjoy the book, and the cartoons bring back a few memories, for all who have links to the armed forces.
CIVVY STREET
Civvy Street is a story of success and failure, the haves and the have nots. Two veterans who once served together leave the military and go in two very different directions. Ex Sergeant Major Charles Fanshaw and Private Barry Gibson later meet again in Civvy street, that’s when this crazy story begins. Barry Gibson or Baz as he likes to be called, left the army six years ago and had served in the same unit as Charles, but spent most of his twenty-two years in the stores, blanket stacking. Baz has been working for Charles for the last six months, after a drunken Charles took pity on him one night down the local British Legion, when he found out he was unemployed. That was one of Charles’ weak spots, get him drunk and he’ll promise you the world! Baz likes to do as little as possible, if he can get away with it, “skive to survive” that’s his motto. Charles Fanshaw had left the army with a pension and a healthy amount in his savings account. One day he met a man on the golf course who was selling his business due to retirement. For the first few years the business was doing well, then it started to fail around the same time he was reluctantly reunited with his soon to be nemesis, Barry Gibson.
MILITARY HUMOR JOKE BOOK
So, what is the book about? Well, anything goes really, twenty-six chapters named after the phonetic alphabet. Anything could be within these chapters, including jokes, cartoons, and urban myths, so there should be something in here for everyone. With what’s going on in the world today, it's a good thing that the military never loses its sense of humour.
MILITARY HUMOR JOKE BOOK NUMBER 2
Following the success of our first joke book, we decided to create a second one, which we hope you will enjoy.
So, what is the book about? Well, anything goes really, twenty-six chapters, named after the phonetic alphabet. Anything could be within these chapters, including jokes, cartoons, facts and urban myths, so there should be something in here for everyone. With what’s happening in the world today, it's a good thing that the military never loses its sense of humour. In fact, we're constantly busy coming up with new and hilarious ways to take the piss out of our rival branches and units, or whatever you are in, it’s all in good fun.
So, get ready for a few jokes, some new, some old…eh and there might be one or two good enough to tell in the pub later.
Bullies and Bullshit
What is this book about? Originally it was going to be a serious book about bullying and bullshit in the military. It still is I suppose but take out the word ‘serious’. I could never write a serious book about the military, somewhere along the way I always resort to humour. So here we go this is Bullies and Bullshit, my new book.
ENDEX 4
Well, ENDEX fans, I'm afraid this time it really is ENDEX. Yes, I'm afraid my powder has run dry. It's the end. But wait, I have a veteran matelot son and a soon to be RAF grandson...so you never know, one of them might pick up the pen and carry on where I left off one day.
In ENDEX 4, I thought I'd start off by talking about what I think the future military will look like, followed by the usual ENDEX content of memories, observations, military myths and cartoons.
Compo Food of the Gods
The Composite Ration, known around the world as “compo”, was intended as a kind of stop gap for the troops in the field until a beachhead was secure enough so field kitchens could be set up, and the chefs could do their magic.
It’s funny how a few tins of the food of the gods ignites your memories
Everybody remembers their first rat-pack. And I imagine your first experience was like mine.
It is said that the compo of the old and the bold was the best. You may disagree. To be honest I thought compo in my time was great, but I would do. I thought school dinners were great too, but that had something to do with my mother's cooking, I suppose. Getting sent to bed without any supper was a real treat in our house.
All these pull up a sandbag stories about compo on social media are doing exactly what they intended to do, bring back the memories. That’s why I thought the COMPO from back then deserves its own book. These are my memories from long ago for the old and bold compo commandos. I’ve tried not to be too serious, how boring would that be. Anyone who has read my books knows what they are about to get.